Overwhelmed...but trying

Yesterday was a tough day. It has been 14 weeks since Preston was laid off. 14. Honestly, we didn't think he would be out of work so long. Considering how much of a planner and control freak I am, I think I have been handling it pretty well. I just made my lists of things that needed to get taken care of, modified, or cut out and did it. However, yesterday all the worrying caught up with me. Preston started school last week, so the kids and I have been back on a more "Daddy free" schedule. It has been nice to get back to our normal routine but after trying to manage some financial and business things with the kids this week I kind of lost it. This whole experience has been such a roller coaster of emotions. Most days I experience feelings of complete joy that Heavenly Father has continued to preserve us to such overwhelming anxiety of what the future holds that I can barley breath. I have found that my one of my few sanctuaries has become my car. So that is where we headed last night. Daddy was working hard on homework, the kids were restless, Mom was a mess, so we went for a drive. I think it is calming because being on a tight budget I really have to decide when and how far I want to drive...every mile=$ spent so we try to walk most places. But last night I needed it. I needed the calm hum of the car, the kids self entertaining talking about things that we drove past, the sunset, the fresh air, the music. I needed it. Driving out to Roseville that song called "For the first time" came on the radio.

She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time,
I've got a new job now on the unemployment line,
And we don't know how,
How we got into this mess is it gods test,
Someone help us cause we're doing our best,
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard

But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Saying things we haven't for a while
A while ya
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time

Oooooo

She's in line at the door
With her head held high (high)
While I just lost my job but
Didn't lose my pride

But we both know how,
How we're gonna make it work when it hurts,
When you pick yourself up,
You get kicked to the dirt,
Trying to make it work but,
Man these times are hard,

But we're gonna start by,
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Doing things we haven't for a while,
A while ya,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time.

Ooooo

Yeah.....
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Saying thing we haven't for a while,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting, for the first time

(ooooo....), yeahh for the first time,
(ooooo....), oh for the first time,
Yeah for the first time,
(just now got the feeling that we're meeting...
For the first time)

She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time,
I've got a new job now on the unemployment line,
And we don't know how,
How we got into this mess is it gods test,
Someone help us cause we're doing our best,
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard

But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Saying things we haven't for a while
A while ya
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time

Oooooo

She's in line at the door
With her head held high (high)
While I just lost my job but
Didn't lose my pride

But we both know how,
How we're gonna make it work when it hurts,
When you pick yourself up,
You get kicked to the dirt,
Trying to make it work but,
Man these times are hard,

But we're gonna start by,
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Doing things we haven't for a while,
A while ya,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time.

Ooooo

Yeah.....
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Saying thing we haven't for a while,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting, for the first time

(ooooo....), yeahh for the first time,
(ooooo....), oh for the first time,
Yeah for the first time,
(just now got the feeling that we're meeting...
For the first time)

Oh these times are hard,
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby

Now while this whole song doesn't resonate with me (ie drinking cheap bottles of wine) a lot of it did. It just struck me and kind of echoed all the overwhelming emotions that I had been experiencing this week. Our mantra with each other lately has been "We can do this, and if we can do this, we can do anything" But sometimes saying that, and knowing that are two vey different things. Because all of that calm that we have about being on the right path is also rimmed with constant questions like "what about the kids? what about insurance? when? how? another baby? Where are we going to end up after this whole mess? Most days I try not to worry about all that. I mean I can only control what I can control, and things a year away are not in my control. Everyday we have just tried to work on improving the here and now, taking things one step at a time. So after a good cry in the car the kids and I headed out to the play place to burn off some worry. Then we drove home. I am beginning to think that driving isn't the solace I thought it was. It is time of quiet reflection, yes, but most often that reflection leads me to tears. Maybe I am just more emotional as a Mom, maybe I scared, maybe I spend too much time trying to be strong for everyone else, that when I let my guard down it just come out. Who knows? But hey, the upside, I do have great skin! Anyways, driving home I heard a new song, one that was kind of a more uplifting answer to the previous anthem of the night

I've been waiting on the sunset
Bills on my mindset
I can get deny theyre getting high
Higher than my income
My income's breadcrumbs
I've been trying to survive

The glow that the sun gives
Right around sunset
Helps me realize
This is just a journey
Drop your worries
You are gonna turn out fine.
Oh, you'll turn out fine.
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.

After another cry and a smile, I paused in my car to thank my Heavenly Father for the little reassurances that he sends me that everything is going to be okay. I may not be the path that I thought I would walk, in fact it may be much harder, but as long as we keep our focus our end result will be the same. I am thankful for a husband, who after full disclosure while dating me, still choose me and the trials that would come our way. I am especially grateful for amazing friends who listen to me cry, love me, and tell me that things will be alright! Here's to a better week...with less tears!